Warning: This product is for serious gamers only.  Casuals need not apply.

How do you know if you’re serious enough for the Cougar?  Let me pose you a couple of examples.

For the sake of example, let’s say your name is Chad or Jake.  And let’s say today is Friday night, and your buddy calls to say, “Hey Chad or Jake, my buddy just got back from Europe with a truckload of absynthe and some Scandinavian chicks.  Let’s go get drunk and/or high and/or laid.”  If you turn off your computer and leave your den and spend the night getting crunk or hyphy or whatever the f*** kids do these days, then the Cougar is not for you.  (I can’t be arsed to find out what cool people do on Friday nights, which is why the Cougar is for me.)

If, on the other hand, your name is more like Eugene, and on Friday night we find you quite annoyed because the Chads and Jakes downstairs are thumping dance music and it’s interfering with your ability to hear the enemy’s footsteps in ArmA II, compromising your Mountain Dew-fueled edge, to the point where when you do finally see the Spetznaz skylining over Hill 625 through your M24, you imagine it’s one of the partygoers downstairs and revel in the satisfaction of blowing his f***ing head off — if this is your typical Friday night, then maybe the Cougar is for you.

Let’s not mince words.

This is a serious HOTAS.  A man’s HOTAS.  If you’re still clutching to your pathetic little Logitech whatever, with its five sad buttons and tiny little knob of a throttle, then close this browser window and go back to planetxbox360.com.  If you’re ready to move up to the next level in flight simulation, if you want a HOTAS that can offer you air superiority if you’re man enough to give it the chance, then strap in and keep reading.

Note that I am not calling it a joystick.  The Cougar has a built-in audio sensor and if it hears you call it a joystick, a robotic arm will slap you across the face.  (This is not true.)  The Cougar is a HOTAS.  HOTAS stands for This Device is Too Awesome to Be Associated With Those Little Two-Button Atari Playthings.

Let me put it this way.  Imagine the Cougar is a dick.  That’s right.  It’s big, it’s black, and it’s ribbed for her pleasure.  Look at the picture of it.  Now look to the right, where your sad little Logitech play-toy is resting.  Compare the two.  Now you know what I’m saying.

It’s time to upgrade your dick.

I know what you’re asking: What makes this HOTAS so awesome?

Thanks for the softball question.  Maybe you’ll be ready when you can work up the courage to ask a real question like, “Why would you compare the Cougar to a dick, when it moves around so limply?”  Well, regardless, I’ll answer your question anyway.

The Cougar is awesome in many ways.  For one, it’s solid metal.  I don’t mean it has little metal plates in the base, I mean the whole damn thing is metal.  When you wrap your hand around it, it’s cold, because metal is cold.  And metal is heavy too.  The throttle and the control column both weigh about 10 pounds … each.  Feel free to flog this thing like a single guy on Valentine’s day … it won’t slide around your desk, and it certainly will take what you can dish out.  Metal stands up to punishment.

Reason #2 it’s awesome: The stick and the throttle are an exacting replica of an F-16 Fighting Falcon’s flight control system.  When you strap on a Cougar, you can feel free to imagine that you are climbing into the cockpit of an F-16.  Allow yourself that luxury.  You know why?  Because if you were to invite an F-16 pilot over to your house, and have him sit in your chair, and put his hands on your Cougar (completely non-sexual here), he would feel right at home.  He would know exactly where to put his fingers, exactly what buttons to press to get that jet to do what he wants.  All you have to do is fire up Falcon 4 and you’re showing him his day job.

Here’s another good reason: Foxy.  I’m not talking about your mom, I’m talking about the software that real men use to program their HOTASs.  When you launch Foxy for the first time, there’s probably an 85% chance you will wet your pants and run away crying.  That’s how serious it is.  Change your underwear, wipe off your cheeks, and sit back down.  Clear your schedule for the day and devote yourself to learning Foxy.  (If you would rather be at work than spend the day learning Foxy, maybe the Cougar isn’t for you.)  Once you do you will be rewarded with unprecedented control over your Cougar.  Just like that F-16 pilot you invited over is a master of his machine — just like he can sweet-talk his beautiful jet into doing exactly what he wants, so you too will make the Cougar your b****.  You will speak the language of the Cougar, and tame it to be your pet.

OK, you ask, next question: Why would you compare the Cougar to a dick, when it moves around so limply?

Now that’s a hard-hitting question.  And as a former Cougar owner, I don’t shy away from challenges.

The truth is the Cougar isn’t perfect.  The best HOTASs are force-sensing, and the Cougar is not.  It swings wildly from its base like a bobble-head doll.  If this bothers you, give yourself a pat on the back because you are a discriminating HOTAS buyer.  The good news is that if you’re willing to fork over a few hundred bucks, and you’re not too wimpy to crack open that sweet metal case, you can buy an FSSB and mod your stick.

Note that I said the best HOTASs are force-sensing.  This is not force feedback.  If you are disappointed that the Cougar does not have force feedback, pick up a vibrator on your way to the post office when the box arrives.  It should do the trick.

Another problem: The Cougar uses plain old potentiometers to measure control inputs, when Hall sensors are inarguably 1,000% more awesome.  Again, break out that screwdriver, pick up some Hall sensors, and increase the studliness of your HOTAS.

Lastly, the throttle has two very loud detents.  Every time you pass them the throttle makes a satisfyingly loud click.  If you have a wife who wants to sleep while you blow the s*** out of MiGs, you should just turn to her and say, “Honey, your sleep is not as important as me protecting the free world from terrorist s***heads.”  If she divorces you, that’s OK, because you have a new wife now: The Cougar.  Once again, you can crack the case and change your throttle over to silenced stealth mode.  There is a world of Cougar mods.

Here’s another hard-hitter: If real men mod their Cougar, how come you’re selling a factory original?

Another excellent question.  Yes, this is a completely unmodified, factory-original Cougar.  But the student must one day surpass his master.  Buy this HOTAS, learn the secrets of Foxy, exercise aerial dominance, and then open it up and mod it.  Go where I did not, and when you sell it, sell it better than you bought it.

One last thing … this Cougar has a serial number.

Stamped into a metal plate like a dog tag, the serial number is on the base of the throttle: 26,311.  The highest serial number I’ve seen is 35,326, which makes this a pretty new Cougar.  Towards the end of the production line.  When you receive this Cougar, feel free to enter your name and the serial number into the Cougar Owner’s Database at Cougar World.  Indoctrinate yourself into the hallowed halls.

Technical Specifications

You will receive one HOTAS Cougar, consisting of the SSC (side-stick controller) and TQS (throttle quadrant system).  The Cougar requires a USB port.  The SSC has the following controls:

• Dual-stage trigger
• Pickle button (button)
• NWS/AR DISC/MSL STEP button (button)
• TMS (4-way hat)
• DMS (4-way hat)
• CMS (4-way hat)
• SOI FOV switch (button)
• AP Override paddle (paddle switch)

The TQS has the following controls:

• ANT ELEV knob (analog knob)
• MAN RNG/UNCAGE knob (analog knob, center dentent, with push-button Z-axis)
• RDR CURSOR/ENABLE hat (analog microstick with push-button Z-axis)
• SPD BRK switch (3-position switch, momentary aft)
• Override mode switch (3-position switch)
• Comms switch (4-way hat)

There are no flashing LED’s, no force-feedback, no digital displays, and no twist-grip.  This is a serious HOTAS.  Do you really think F-16 pilots fly around with twist-grip?!

In conclusion, you cannot purport to have the ultimate gaming rig until you have one of these cold metal f***ers sitting next to your monitor.  Step up to the next level of flight simulation, and buy a Cougar.